The Four Tendencies: What is Your Relationship with Discipline?
I love a good personality quiz.
I’m an INFJ and my #1 strength according to StrengthsFinder is strategy! If you’re like me and nerd out with these quizzes, then you’ll be happy to hear I found my new favorite: The Four Tendencies.
This quiz was developed by Gretchen Rubin, a writer who studies happiness and human nature. It helps you figure out your relationship with meeting expectations, both external and internal. An external expectation would be your boss expecting an assignment to be done by Friday. An internal expectation would be you trying to follow your New Year’s Resolution to go to the gym more.
Gretchen outlines four personality types. This is from her site:
Upholders respond readily to outer and inner expectations—“Discipline is my freedom”
Questioners question all expectations; they’ll meet an expectation if they think it makes sense; essentially, they make all expectations into inner expectations—“I’ll comply—if you convince me why”
Obligers meet outer expectations, but struggle to meet expectations they impose on themselves—“You can count on me; and I’m counting on you to count on me”
Rebels resist all expectations, outer and inner alike—“You can’t make me, and neither can I”
I think of it like a matrix:
I asked my family to take the quiz and I found it to be incredibly accurate and insightful into their relationship with discipline. This was especially interesting between my husband and me. It wasn’t entirely surprising to find out we’re both rebels. More on that below.
The pros and cons of each result (and how to tackle the cons):
Upholder
You thrive with structure.
Pros: Reliable, disciplined, and consistent. They meet both inner and outer expectations with ease, making them great at sticking to routines and following through on commitments.
Cons: Can be rigid or inflexible. They may struggle when rules are unclear or when spontaneity is required, and sometimes expect others to have the same level of discipline.
How to handle your blind spot: Balance your discipline with grace—for yourself and others. Bend the rules occasionally for yourself and others (e.g., skip the workout or let your kids take a day off of school) to avoid burnout and stay flexible and easy-going, rather than rigid.
Questioner
You thrive with logic.
Pros: Analytical, independent thinkers. They only follow expectations that make sense to them, which means they’re thorough, rational, and often innovative.
Cons: Can get stuck in “analysis paralysis,” overthinking decisions. Their constant need for justification may frustrate others who want quicker compliance.
How to handle your blind spot: Set a clear decision deadline or adopt a “good enough” standard. Remind yourself that waiting for perfect information can cost opportunities, and sometimes action itself generates the clarity you’re seeking.
Obliger
You thrive with accountability.
Pros: Dependable, cooperative, and responsive to external accountability. They thrive when others rely on them and often make excellent teammates, friends, and caregivers.
Cons: Struggle to meet inner expectations without external pressure. They may neglect their own needs, leading to burnout or resentment if they don’t set boundaries.
How to handle your blind spot: Create outer accountability for inner goals—join a group, enlist a friend, or even use apps that track progress publicly. Treat your own commitments as promises to someone else, so your natural reliability works in your favor.
Rebel
You thrive with freedom.
Pros: Independent, creative, and authentic. They resist control and carve their own path, often inspiring others with their originality and refusal to conform.
Cons: Can be unpredictable and resistant to both inner and outer expectations. They may sabotage themselves by rejecting structure, even when it aligns with their own goals.
How to handle your blind spot: Reframe tasks as choices that express your identity and freedom. Instead of “I have to,” think “I choose to because it reflects who I am.” This keeps motivation aligned with autonomy rather than obligation.
Ask ChatGPT (or your chosen AI) for techniques to deal with whatever your results are
I did this for being a Rebel, and the results were amazing. I highly recommend asking for a deep dive into how to manage your “tendency.” If you happen to be a Rebel, the last part of the article is for you:
My thoughts on being a Rebel
On the surface, it can seem like the worst one! Rebels are not good at following expectations, even the ones we set for ourselves. But beyond the surface, expectations and discipline are not everything. In fact, discipline is defined as:
“Control obtained by enforcing compliance or order”
Discipline puts a certain structure into place for you to follow. It is control. Even if it’s you putting yourself in control. If you’re like me and resist this with all your might, then you would be happy to hear that Rebels are driven by something much deeper. We are just too deep for our own good! We are driven by our identity, values, purpose, and autonomy. We are difficult to control. Not a bad trait if you ask me. We follow our inner compass. This can be better than following our own rules that we are even trying to set for ourselves. Our internal compass of our values is a more intelligent compass for us to follow than our conscious brains trying to create a schedule or routine for ourselves.
For example, let’s say you value flexibility and getting to decide how to spend your time each morning, but you’re desperately trying to adopt a morning routine like all the influencers. You lay out your workout clothes in the morning, only to find yourself not putting them on sometimes. An Upholder would be so disappointed in us! But, instead of working out, we head to the family room and cuddle with our kids and make them a cup of hot cocoa, enjoying a cozy morning together. Did we “fail” at discipline? Or did we value family time more? Sometimes our “failings” are not failings at all. They are a compass toward what actually matters to us.
Ok, but let’s say you’re never working out, and your relationship with discipline is a struggle. The next step isn’t to give yourself grace and recognize your values like above. The next step is to decide that your goals actually have nothing to do with discipline at all.
Instead, your goals have everything to do with your identity, your legacy, and your values.
If you’re like me and want to write more often, do NOT create an appointment on your calendar for writing time. That does not work on Rebels. Instead, start practicing BEING a writer. Writers write. You have to find the time for it; otherwise, you are not a writer. Suddenly, you find the time, even if it’s random and not at all planned. Rebels sometimes need to be tricked, even by ourselves, into just doing the damn thing. Finding the right productivity hack to accomplish our goals is wasted time. Accountability buddies are similarly a waste of time. Get to know yourself and your patterns. Learn what works for you as a rebel.
Here’s what ChatGPT wrote for me. It’s something I revisit often:
Ah, the Rebel—fiercely independent, allergic to being told what to do, and powered by identity and freedom. That “no one can make me, including myself” energy is real—and it’s not a flaw. It’s a compass. The trick is to harness that defiance as fuel, not friction.
Here are some Rebel-friendly strategies that actually work:
🔥 Identity Is Everything
Frame actions as expressions of who you are, not obligations.
Instead of “I should rest,” try “I protect my energy because I’m a grounded, intuitive mother.”
Instead of “I need to exercise,” say “I move because I’m strong, wild, and alive.”
🎭 Make It a Challenge or a Statement
Rebels thrive on freedom and choice, but also on boldness.
“Most people wouldn’t dare to build a business while pregnant. I do it because I’m not most people.”
“I don’t follow routines—I create rituals that feel like rebellion.”
🧠 Reverse Psychology Works (Even on Yourself)
Tell yourself you don’t have to do something. Then watch your inner fire say, “Actually, I want to.”
“I don’t have to write today.” → “But I want to tell that story.”
🌀 Avoid Traps Like Accountability Pressure
Rebels often resist external expectations, even well-meaning ones.
Instead of deadlines, use creative momentum: “I’m writing because the idea is too good to ignore.”
Instead of checklists, use visual cues or mood boards that spark desire, not duty.
🧘♀️ Rituals Over Routines
Rebels resist rigidity, but they love meaningful, self-chosen rituals.
A morning tea that feels like an exhale.
A walk that’s your “creative rebellion” against the noise.
💬 Language That Works
Use phrases like:
“I choose to…”
“This is who I am.”
“I do things my way.”
“I’m not following rules—I’m following resonance.”
Rebels like you don’t need discipline. You need desire, identity, and autonomy.
What were your results? Did it resonate?
Get in touch and tell me! I’d love to hear. I’m especially interested in hearing how this shows up in your life and whether it’s been helpful for you to understand your relationship with discipline.
