The White and Black Cat Metaphor That Helped Me Make Sense of Womanhood
If I’m being completely honest, I’m writing this article so I can sit with this concept deeper…so it’ll sink in…so ephiphanies can come to me. It’s a simple concept, but it has been really profound for me. It’s hard for me to not see almost everything in my life through this lens now.
I came across this concept in Margarita Nazarenko’s podcast Being Her. You can listen to the quick 18-minute episode here. Even though I listened years ago, the concept has stayed with me. It has helped me make sense of a duality within me that I couldn’t describe until now. Here goes:
I love being a caretaker and nurturing loved ones. This is my good girl ‘white cat’ energy. I’m embedded within a community and I show up for them.
But there’s another side of me — the side that likes to write, go swimming, needs alone time, who just wants to have FUN — all of my own selfish desires. She likes to go shopping and buy things just for herself (not another grocery store trip). She’s my independent ‘black cat’ energy.
Nazarenko describes the white cat as a little white kitten with a pink bow, like the Aristocrats’ cat. She’s soft, cuddly, and warm. She purrs in your lap and loves connection. Meanwhile, the black cat slinks around and does what she wants. She doesn’t come around to sit on your lap. She has her own vibe, and that’s what makes her so irresistible. Black cats make themselves happy, and they don’t really need you. The white cat, on the other hand, thrives within her family — she enjoys being taken care of and taking care of others.
We are not one thing. We are not just faithful wives, devoted mothers, and natural homemakers. We are also ambitious, smart women who need our alone time. Both are true and need to be honored.
White Cat Energy
Romance, Family, Motherhood, Friendship
Here are some attributes of our collective “white cat energy:”
Soft, approachable, playful
Sweet feminine vibe
Brings out in men their protective, provider energy
Think of a white kitten with a pink bow, so cuddly
Warm and expressive
She lets people in
Shares her natural and true emotions
People feel safe and comfortable around her
Natural caretaker, nurturer, and homemaker
Easily creates connections
Open and kind
Fun and lighthearted
Girl next door charm
People are drawn to her
Easy to be around
Black Cat Energy
Boundaries, Career, Alone Time, Self-Development, Confidence
How I think of our collective “black cat energy:”
Clear boundaries
Powerful
Knows her worth
High standards
Communicates her boundaries clearly. Really great article on not explaining yourself here.
Mysterious — not an open book, a bit conserved
Confident
Independent
Knows how to make herself happy
Needs alone time
Pursuing a goal just for herself
Invests time, energy, and money into herself
Ambitious
Says no / unavailable
Not chasing anything or anyone
Has her own vibe
Balancing both energies
White cat energy is constantly making sure everyone around you is good. The fridge is stocked. Everyone in the household feels well and is happy. There is a constant vigilance that goes into being a “white cat” that most women are well-attuned to. It’s not all cozy, warm energy. White cat energy is very challenging to consistently embody without a break. It would be completely unnatural for us to only embody white cat energy. It makes me think of a martyr who ends up full of resentment, regret, and disappointment. This would be what happens if you are a family woman to the point where you never fulfill any of your own personal goals and you don’t make time for your health. It doesn’t serve your community to abandon yourself. Also, too much white cat energy without its counterpart makes us grumpy. We end up losing the warmth that made us “white kittens” in the first place. We become distant—not in the powerful, black cat way—but in an angry, resentful way.
The key is balancing BOTH. I truly believe we are happiest and most fully expressed when we embody both our white and black cat energy.
How I’m using this metaphor in my own world
Often, for me, the balance tips too far toward the ‘white cat’ energy, and that’s usually when I know I need to leave the house by myself. I’ve been challenging myself to find more black cat energy when I can in small, tiny ways. I’m currently 8 months pregnant, so I am FULL of maternal energy. I’m nesting. I’m setting up our new house. I’m taking care of our dog and cat, which is surprisingly time-consuming for someone who stays home with them 24/7—this somehow only makes them needier! I’m spending quality time with my husband. I’m investing time in my extended family so they feel cared for and supported. I’m hanging out with my parents just because they’re fun to spend time with. But if I’m not careful? My entire week is family, caretaking, baby prep, dog walks, grocery trip runs, etc. I start to feel beholden to chores, appointments, and helping out—and not at all to myself.
My entire life is default white cat energy. Even at 2am. I am always on call to the needs of others. Right now, that is mostly for my older dog. In a few weeks, it will also be for a newborn. Motherhood requires a certain vigilance. You are never off the clock. You are not promised a good night’s sleep. As my dog’s needs have become more demanding and a newborn is on the way, I’ve been really focused this year on how to serve happily. I do this pretty damn well. It doesn’t matter if my dog wakes me in the middle of the night, I am happy to take her outside. I give her my sweetness and patience 99.99% of the time. I am so damn intentional about this. To the point where I actually get frustrated if anyone else around me gets frustrated fast. Because I push myself to be patient to the utmost degree at all times and never, ever crack. Not even at midnight. Not when I’m tired. Never. Caretaking is an Olympic sport. It’s a job. It’s a privilege. I started taking it this seriously, and it’s made all the difference. Motherhood is not for the weak-hearted. I respect what I do and how I do it.
But I’m human, and I need time to recharge to stay at this Olympic level.
Having the language for white cat / black cat helps me notice when I’ve been ALL white kitten and not at all black cat.
Here are some ways I recharge and reclaim more black cat energy to balance everything out:
Taking a bath and locking the door. I am not available.
Walking through the stores at our upscale mall and buying myself a smoothie! Shopping for myself unlocks a lot of black cat energy because when I see outfits (workout clothes, business clothes, beautiful dresses…) I am reminded of the woman I am versus the caretaker I am. Also having a family and house comes with so many expenses. Spending even a little bit on myself feels like a reclamation of selfhood. It’s like saying, “Hey, I matter. I keep this whole boat afloat.”
Going to the library or coffee shop to work without distractions. It’s challenging for me to work from home. There’s endless laundry and household tasks around me. I also often end up frustrated when my dog won’t stop barking at me, and the cat sits on top of my laptop. And once we have a baby, trying to get computer work done from home will only get more distracting. When I get uninterrupted time to focus, it is SUCH a luxury and gift to myself. I sometimes get jealous of my husband, who goes to an office every day, because he gets to just DO his work and no one else is asking anything of him but that. His time is so protected. What a concept. Okay, now I don’t actually want to switch with him. He can continue being the breadwinner, and I can continue being the caretaker…definitely works really well for us…but STILL. Everyone needs some time that feels protected and undisturbed.
Reading a book. I don’t know why, but having time to read signals to my soul, “I matter.” My leisure time matters. My sense of self matters. It’s indulgent and precious. It’s so easy to declare, “I have no time to read!” But being a person that reclaims that time for herself is like…oh ok life is ok. I have time to read. I don’t want to be a hurried, busy person. Reading is the opposite of that.
Setting a boundary or making a move that honors myself:
Cancelling an appt.
Saving myself time by stacking errands together.
Saying no to an invite.
Asking for help around the house proactively so I don’t get burned out.
Knowing my limits and protecting them.
Leaving the house for a few hours.
Going for a walk by myself to move my body.
What energy are you channeling more often? Do you need to do anything today to achieve a sense of balance?
White cat energy keeps the world around us humming — the meals, the appointments, the tiny beings (human and animal) who depend on us.
Black cat energy keeps us humming — the inner spark, the ambition, the selfhood that deserves just as much tending. When we honor both, we stop living in extremes and start living in alignment.
So if you’re reading this and realizing you’ve been all softness and service lately, consider this your gentle nudge to reclaim a little mystery, a little solitude, a little sovereignty. Not to pull away from the people you love, but to return to them fuller, warmer, and more yourself than before.
